Widowhood and HydraHeaded Abuse by Engr. Yinka Adeosun

Widow abuse is not new. The level of abuse only varies. It is generally worse in SS or Niger Delta than SW.

When my boss died leaving three children, the first thing the family requested was the SUV. His friends had to take the vehicle to the cooperative and informed whosoever was interested to pay the outstanding.

I would not go into many of details... The root cause of parents, brothers and sisters descending like a hawk has been mainly due to men taking on too many extended family responsibilities until such family members now see it as a right or entitlement. 

Every man must draw the line. Here are few tips on how you can safeguard your family:

Do not encourage them to stay with you beyond an agreed deadline and never expose your assets to them.

Ensure you have a Living Will and in your will, leave something for them so they would not be able to contest it after your demise.

Most importantly, register your Living Will or set up a Trusteeship.

Ensure your wife and children are your beneficiaries, not your parents, brothers or sisters. 

If you need to assist in paying fees for nephews and nieces, let them stay with their parents while you offer assistance. When such live with you, they become the information conduit. If you die while they are still in your home, they would expect to be treated like your children. Questions that would arise include why you asked them to attend a public university while yours went abroad. They would question why your wife who “used” them as help now want to deny them of their “entitlement”. 

Always let them know that their welfare is secondary to that of your children. Some May consider this harsh but their responsibility marshal is their parents NOT you.

When a relative asked to be assisted regarding school fees, I told him the money I have is for my child and gave the little I could as a one off support. This made it clear that they were not welcome to make their responsibility mine.

They would complain but the more you keep them at bay, the greater would be your peace.

Wherever you work, always cross check with HR who your beneficiaries are. The forms you completed during on-boarding as a bachelor or spinster should be updated as soon as you marry.

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Ensure your new-marital family knows all your assets, preferably have them in the name of you and your NAMED spouse, not just Mr. & Mrs.

Example:

Mr. Chukwudi Bala Oyetunji and Mrs. Ngozi Ifeoma Oyetunji.

There may be several Mrs. Oyetunjis (home and away) but Ngozi Ifeoma Oyetunji is unique, like a SIM card.

You may also consider Mr. Chukwudi Bala Oyetunji and Ms. Ngozi Ifeoma Nkoli (her maiden last name). The evidence of her rights would be the marital certificate which carries both names.

In these days of online banking, make your spouse a signatory or give her power of attorney on your account and on your health. 

Power of attorney on your health is not common in Nigeria. Enlightenment should be shed on this. When Mr. Bola Omoteso took him, Dr. Omolola Omoteso had a power of attorney over his health as such, it was illegal for Mr. Adeleke Omoteso to make a decision on his health which resulted in his death. If he made that decision in USA, he would have landed in jail. It was for a reason Mr. Bola Omoteso chose his wife who knows his medical history and could promptly decide on what is best. The media should help to enlighten the public so the people can push for this with the Senate.

For account, power of attorney ensures what you open on goodwill basis does not become a tool of abuse. That was what I did on the account I opened in the village for my mother. The account was in my name but my mother was empowered to transact on it independently. I funded it but she used it. At her passing, it was my decision to either let the balance go into family or use it personally. With my wife being my next of kin, she was positioned to continue the account in the event I pass on ahead of my mother.

Trust is key. It is important to marry your greed who ha a trust quotient that you can rely on when you cannot think or talk.

I cited the account for my mother. A greedy woman could take advantage of such an account but where there is love and trust, it would be her responsibility to continue the care of my mother or to play my part as a child to her in the event of  my passing.

This topic is limitless and other thoughts were shared during my participation as facilitator during the International Widows Day Programme by Walk With Widows Initiative. I endorse the group and the vision to #ENDWIDOWABUSE.

Most importantly, if you claim to love your wife, please do not leave her to the whims and caprices of family members who may at will turn up the greed, hate and self serving button once you lie in death.

We all can ensure that the next woman to become a widow would not be subject to wickedness branded as rites and rituals. Let us all continue to call upon leaders to sign Executive Orders that protects women from abuse when they become widows.

Please join the advocacy to #ENDWIDOWABUSE.

Thank YOU.

Edited by Dr. Omolola Omoteso