Grief Counselling I

Dear One:

How are you my sister/brother/son/daughter...

I pray this is a year of divine glory and overflowing joy for you and yours in Jesus name.

The reality of my own experience compels me to share with others who may be going through the experience of grief. The loss of a loved one and the effect stays with us longer than we care to admit.

Christians create an air of life goes on as usual but it only drives us to the brink of insanity as we realise that life becomes different with loss especially of a loved one.

It is not okay to grieve like those without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) but it is okay to mourn. Jesus wept (John 11:35) and this was in the face of the death of a loved one.

I pray The Lord grants you the courage to carry on.

One of the classes I took in 2012 as part of a doctoral degree study in Biblical Counselling was Grief and Trauma Counselling... You could pick a thing or two on how to cope from the three-part document. I'll post them in three parts. The first is below. Note that it is in American English because the study was at an American Institution.

I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work. John 9:4

May God replace your fears with hope and tears with joy.

Dr. Omolola Omoteso

Omolola Omoteso-Famuyiwa (Mrs.)

Dr. Dorothy Reed

Grief & Trauma Counseling BCO717​

08.22.12

Reflection 1: The Complete Guide to Crisis & Trauma Counseling

Crisis and trauma is all around us. In every crisis or trauma event; the first response is usually silence followed usually by sighing, sitting with a forlorn or lost look, crying or wailing depending on how close the person is to us and how the news is broken to us. In my culture, people would usually send an elderly person or pastor to break the news in one’s home and in the presence of others so as to mellow down the initial reaction. I was shocked recently to learn that a Pastor from my home country who called to request for my husband’s mobile number actually called him at the office to break the news of his friend’s death. This is never done and I expected that being a Pastor should have made him a better counselor. I would have regretted my decision to give him his number if anything had happened to my husband especially considering that he also recently underwent surgeries which no doubt has an impact on how he would receive news of death. The book provides many examples of crisis and trauma and biblical principles that can aid in times of counseling those experiencing crisis, trauma especially where related to loss and death. According to the book, “Death is the permanent, irreversible cessation of the vital functions of the body”. Hebrews 9:27 say, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment”. As Christians we must recognize that death is the final end of all living things and it is followed by judgment. Being able to accept and handle my own feelings of mortality has gone a long way to position me to counsel others; what still remains challenging is counseling those with terminal illness. I have noticed that I am more comfortable with counseling them to expect healing rather than counseling them to accept death. An adage in my home country when translated says, “The dead mourn the dead, the mourners mourn themselves”. This we use to remind ourselves that death is a sacrifice we all owe; timing and season is what differs. I was at the point the man diagnosed with cancer in Chapter 12 was at some point. My very close friend died in an accident and I found myself questioning the existence of God. I came close to backsliding but the Word of God became my pullback factor. God brought me to see that all He had done was call him home; still I questioned why it had to happen in such a painful way – car accident. God took me through Bible passages that showed that sacrifices are seldom painless – the death of Jesus, His Only Begotten Son, was painful and so was the death of many disciples but the pain was exchanged with gain as they transited into God’s glory. When dealing with the crisis of death, we need to answer a number of questions and look at the nature of death – sudden or anticipated. How, when, why, where and what led to the person’s death will go a long way to position counselors to provide adequate and appropriate counseling. As counselors, we must lead the bereaved to accept the past and chart a new course with God as The Chief Pilot. As the bereaved bridges the past, the bereaved should learn to change terminologies e.g. ‘I’ instead of ‘we’, ‘me’ instead of ‘us’ etc. The bereaved (especially when the deceased is a spouse) should “work on being a better parent, rather than to attempt to fulfill both roles”. We must counsel the bereaved to know that some decisions would have to wait till the intensity of his/her emotions abate. The bereaved should be mindful about how to handle conflicts over will and possessions. The bereaved should also consider going out alone instead of cancelling all invitations to “Mr. and Mrs.” Other things the bereaved can do includes, re-decorating the house (I am presently counseling a guy that lost his wife a couple of years ago; he keeps making his late wife’s picture his profile picture on Facebook), finding new individual interests and getting a job. Death due to natural disasters (earth quakes, tornadoes, etc) are better handled than human events or preventable deaths (accidents, fire, homicide, etc) because natural disasters are not due to human errors and no one can be blamed. Suicide is the most difficult to deal with because the deceased made the choice to die. Another difficult death is the death of a spouse; it changes the identity, sense of self and security of the one left behind depending especially on how close they were. The experience will include fear of being alone, reality of one’s mortality, sickness (from not eating or not having enough sleep), identity crisis (from loss of status or change in title) etc. Regardless of the manner of death, ministering to the bereaved is an assignment that can go on for years. The bereaved must be supported with prayers, counseling and in other tangible ways – phone calls, cards, visits, meals, groceries, etc. By developing new roles, the bereaved can operate independently and cope better with death. The book suggests that the church can develop a program where families commit to supporting the bereaved for 2 months each. In my opinion this will ensure that no family suffers burn out from supporting the bereaved. A story made rounds via the internet sometime ago of a man that met Mr. Death; Death told him he has come to take 100 people. So the man went round town telling people to be careful as Death was on a mission to kill. At the close of day, he learned that 1000 people had died so when he met Death on his way home, he asked why he had lied to him. Death said, “I killed 100 but fear of death killed 900”. This fictional story corroborates what Robert Burther said, “The fear of death is worse than death”. I have been fortunate not to lose any member of my nuclear family. But as I counsel friends who have, I find myself asking who will go first and how; will it be according to age etc. Each time I take solace is asking God to keep his protective cover over us all and let his promise of 70 years and above manifest in our lives. But I am brought face to face with purpose and destiny; Jesus at 33 had to pay the price of death in fulfillment of his purpose as The Savior. So now I pray more for the fulfillment of purpose and encourage those close to me to impact lives as I figure that I can cope better if I know that, short or long, the life served God’s purpose. In preparation, I also ensure that instead of abandonment, I provide the necessary care to ailing loved ones; this is to forestall the feeling of guilt when a loved one dies. Even though I am not presently in paid employment and I look forward to doing more when I have the resources, within the limits of my resources now, I ensure I meet the needs of my parents and those close to me. A number things which can be done at the time of grief includes beginning where the bereaved person is, clarifying expressed feelings, empathizing, encouraging, being sensitive to the feelings of the bereaved and giving reasonable assurances. Over and beyond all that the book put forward, we must learn to point the bereaved to God. It is God that allowed (not orchestrated) the death and only God can comfort the bereaved beyond what any human can do. Expecting death does not free one from the grief of death; the disciples of Jesus refuse to prepare for his death and even Jesus tried to upturn God’s decision. The experience of the person expecting death or those around him/her may include: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. “Our ministry to the terminally ill is to be a listener. Simple reflection, a touch and a listening hear will minister and speak volumes.” There are four basic stages in anticipatory grief: depression, heightened concern for the ill person, rehearsal of the person’s death and adjustments to the consequence of the death. 2nd Corinthians 1:3-4 say:

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

LOOKING AT MY OWN HISTORY OF LOSSES

(You can do this yourself as well, it is therapeutic)

1. The first death I can remember was the death of ……

A school mate of mine who was crushed by a bus on her way to school. I remember how some described the gory details of her intestine spilling out on the road

2. I was age…

About 8 years old

3. The feelings I remember I had at the time were…

Anger on why it happened, fear of the same accident, resentment at the careless driver

4. The first funeral (wake or other ritual service) I ever attended was for…  

Mrs. Awe (a Godly family friend)

5. I was age…

About 12 years old

6. The thing I most remember about that experience is…

It was very painful and I cried a lot. She was a Godly and humble woman; her children were close to my sibling and I. Her family recently joined the church. I sang in the choir.

7. My most recent loss by death was (person, time, circumstance)…

Pa. Alfred Williams (neighbor) died in July due to old age and ill health and Mrs. Telefusi (husband’s friend) died last Sunday due to complications from cancer

8. I coped with this loss by…

Crying, feeling bad that I didn’t do more yet thanking God that I had the opportunity to sow into his life. For Mrs. Telefusi: Feeling bad that I didn’t do more of encouraging my husband, visiting and counseling her children.

9. The most difficult death for me was the death of…

Soga Ogayemi

10. It was difficult because…

We were very close. He was a Christian young man who showed interest in me. The only reason I did not consider him for relationship/marriage is because God made it clear he was not my husband. I remember being in denial until I was taken to see his corpse.

11. Of the important people in my life who are now living, the most difficult for me would be the death of…

I really wouldn’t want to think about this. On occasion I have thought of who will go first but measuring whose death would hit me more is something I do not want to think about.

12. It would be the most difficult because…

Death of any of my siblings, parents, closest friend or spouse would be difficult but depending on the cause, one may be easier to bear than the other.

13. My primary style of coping with loss is…

Silence, acceptance, memories and “private” tears

14. I know my own grief is resolved when…

I find the will to pray, read the Bible, talk about it and carry on

15. It is appropriate for me to share my own experiences of grief with a counselor when…

There is an opportunity or reason to. I doubt that I will directly sign up for grief counseling especially because I do not foresee not being personally able to overcome or resolve grief or bereavement. 

Note:

If it ever gets to this point for counsellees, it is better to seek help than for help to be compelled in the face of emotional turmoil. I am a biblical counsellor. Feel free to contact me.

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L♥√ع Lifted Me...

From the Desk of Dr. Omo

From the Desk of Dr. Omolola Omoteso